Ke Kauoha Hana Hana Hana

E hōʻike wau i ke kaʻina ola o ka ʻoihana hoʻolimalima me kahi moʻolelo: Ka Nane o Shithead.

E noʻonoʻo i kahi keikikāne mai kahi ʻāina ʻo Essex sink - ʻo nā swagger a me ka lauoho lauoho. Reptilian, nele o na talena a pau, he sociopathic hoʻowahāwahā i nā mea ʻē aʻe. Pololi no ka holomua, no nā kaʻa wikiwiki a kūpono i nā manu a me ka lager gassy a me nā hale pō weliweli. Ua nānā ʻo ia i ka Apprentice a ʻike ʻo ia ua pau ka ʻoihana. Loaʻa iā ia kahi lole ʻālohilohi a hoʻomaʻamaʻa ʻo ia i kona maka i ke aniani i kēlā me kēia lā. ʻO Spencer a ʻo Kai paha kona inoa, ʻO Nathan a i ʻole Chardonnay, akā e kapa wau iā ia ʻo Shithead.

Ua haʻi ka hoaaloha o Shithead iā ia e pili ana i kahi hana ma kāna keʻena. “Ua like ia me nā telesales āu e hana nei mai ke kula. Hana wale ʻoe i kēia mau mea hoʻolele kamepiula e lawe i nā hana a lākou e makemake ʻole ai. He ʻuʻuku ka uku a he ʻuʻuku ka luna a hoʻokuʻu ʻia ʻoe inā ʻaʻole ʻoe i nā pahuhopu, akā hana ʻoe i kahi ʻeke ma ke komisina". Luuluu ʻo Shithead i ka poʻe kāhea anuanu e pili ana i ka comp-en-sation a ʻo ia ka lark recruiting e hiki iā ia ke ala ma hope., no laila lawe ʻo ia i ka hana.

Piʻi kā mākou protagonist no kāna lā mua ma 24-7-Synergistic-Cyber-Resourcing-International Ltd. He keʻena lawelawe ma Readingstoke, pau loa i ka plasticky a me ka naff, piha i na berks e like me ia i ike ole i ka IT. ʻO ke alakaʻi ʻana i kēia hive o villany ka mea nona ka ʻoihana, Mr Bastard. "Ua ʻike ʻo Old Bastard i nā hana hoʻopunipuni a pau" hāwanawana ke kanaka ma ke pākaukau e hiki mai ana, "E aʻo mai iā ia a e hana ʻoe i ʻeke". Hāʻawi lākou iā Shithead i kahi PC crap, he kelepona, he mooolelo ma LinkedIn a me ka waihona o ka poe akamai IT i kaili ia lakou mai kahi kahua hana i ka pule i hala. Ma hope o kekahi mau hola hoʻomaʻamaʻa, hāʻawi ʻo ia i ka spec no kahi hana weliweli a lākou e hoʻāʻo nei e hoʻopiha no nā pule he nui a kauoha ʻia e kiʻi i kāna puʻuwai liʻiliʻi.. "ʻAʻohe kaomi" haʻi lākou iā ia, "Akā ua hoʻopau ʻia ʻoe inā ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke loaʻa kekahi".

ʻAʻohe manaʻo o kēlā mau huaʻōlelo IT ʻakaʻaka iā Shithead akā kākau ʻo ia i kekahi mau huaʻōlelo i loko o kāna waihona. ʻIke ʻo ia he nui nā pāʻani hou aʻe inā haʻalele ʻo ia i ka pahu "wahi" blank. Hoʻopuka ia i kahi papa inoa o nā poʻe loea āpau i nā ʻenehana e like me "L-U-N-I-X", "Dogger" a me "Curriculum Vitae". Ma ka hoʻohana ʻana i kekahi mau ʻōlelo recruiter maikaʻi i aʻo ʻia e nā poʻe ʻē aʻe iā ia, kākau ʻo ia i leka uila. “L@@K! Ua koi ʻia ʻo L.U.N.I.X ninja Dogger rockstar no ka papahana neʻe ʻana i ka māla ʻōmaʻomaʻo ma Lākana. Kāhea i nā kikoʻī!!!”.

Ua haʻalele ʻo ia i ka haʻi ʻana he haneli mau mile ma waho o Ladana. Ma ke kai. I loko o kahi submarine wela piha i ka ma'i ebola a me nā tigers hae. "ʻAʻole makemake e hoʻonāwaliwali i kekahi" manaʻo ʻo Shithead.

Ma ke kaomi ʻana i kahi pihi hoʻouna ʻo ia i hoʻokahi kaukani pāʻani.

Ma hope o ka hapalua hola ʻaʻohe mea i pane mai. ʻOi aku ka ʻino, aia kahi leka uila mai kekahi arsehole paʻa e ʻōlelo ana ua pāpā ʻia ʻo ia. Hoʻāʻo ʻo ia e hoʻopaʻapaʻa me ka leka bounce, hooweliweli e hoike aku i ka Makai Internet no ka hoemi ana i kona Kuokoa o ka olelo. "Makemake mākou e hana hewa" ʻōlelo ʻo Shithead.

ʻAʻohe mea i mahalo i kāna leka uila maikaʻi, holoi ʻo ia i kēlā me kēia kahua huli, koho i nā mea a pau 50,000 o ka IT 'oihana i loko o ka waihona a kaomi hou "hoʻouna"..

Hoʻomaka nā pane e kahe i loko. "E nalo iā ʻoe berk" i ka ʻoihana IT, "Haʻalele i ka hoʻonele ʻana i koʻu manawa". Akā ua aʻo ʻia ʻo Shithead no kēia a hoʻopili ʻo ia i kekahi mau pane canned. "ʻAʻole anei ʻoe e hele no kahi manawa kūpono?” ua wili ʻo ia. "ʻAʻole wau e hana pono i kaʻu ʻoihana inā ʻaʻole wau i haʻi iā ʻoe e pili ana i kēia mau manawa nui a pau". "ʻAe, ʻike wau ua ʻōlelo ʻoe ʻaʻole makemake ʻoe akā ʻaʻole makemake ʻoe e ʻike e pili ana i kā mākou uku ʻimi ʻimi £ 50.?”

Hoʻouna kekahi mau poʻe i nā CV akā ʻaʻole i kūlike kā lākou acronyms i ka papa inoa ma ka spec no laila ʻoki ʻo ia iā lākou.. "Fucking timewasters" ʻōlelo ʻo ia, "Ke ʻimi nei mākou i kahi loea ninja rockstar domain ma L.U.N.I.X, ʻaʻole kēia ʻo Ubuntu crap". Ke maloʻo nā noi hoʻomaka ʻo ia e kāhea i nā poʻe mai ka waihona. "ʻAʻohe mea e pili ana i kaʻu mau akamai" e ʻōlelo mau ai ka poʻe. "Ua haʻi aku au iā ʻoe ʻelima mau manawa ʻaʻole wau e ʻimi nei i kahi ʻaelike". Hoʻopaʻa ʻo ia iā lākou a hiki i ka wā e waiho ai i ke kelepona i lalo a i ʻole ke ana i loko a leka uila iā ia i kahi CV.

Ma hope ua lanakila kekahi ʻuhane ʻilihune i ka pāʻani o ka acronym bingo. Hoʻopili ʻo ia i kā lākou CV i ka laʻana o ka hui, e hōʻino ana i ka hoʻopili ʻana a me ka uhi ʻana i ko lākou ʻike e like me kā Mr Bastard i aʻo ai iā ia. "ʻAʻole makemake lākou e hele i hope o kā mākou kua" hoʻomanaʻo ʻo Bastard iā ia.

Ma hope o ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa ʻana no nā lā he ʻumi, noi ka mea kūʻai i kahi nīnauele. ʻO ka mea pōʻino, ua loaʻa i ka mea noi kahi hana ma kahi ʻē. "Mai hopohopo" wahi a Mr Bastard iā ia, "E koho wale i kekahi a hoʻouna iā lākou". Hoʻolimalima ʻia ke kanaka a loaʻa iā Shithead kahi komisina liʻiliʻi. Ua paʻi ʻo ia i kāna pahuhopu a ʻaʻole e hoʻokuʻu ʻia i kēia mahina. "Ua maopopo iaʻu e aloha ʻoe ma laila" ʻakaʻaka ʻo ia i ke kelepona, haʻaheo i kona akamai.

Kāhea ʻo Mr Bastard iā Shithead i kāna keʻena. “Maikaʻi ka ʻōpio Shithead, ua hoʻāʻo mākou e hoʻopiha i kēlā hana no nā pule. Pehea ʻoe i hana ai?”. Manaʻo ʻo Shithead i nā tausani o ka poʻe āna i spammed. “ʻAe, pono, Maikaʻi maoli wau i ka hoʻohiwahiwa ʻana i ke kālena". Hoʻolaha ʻo Mr Bastard iā ia i ka hui ʻaelike. "ʻO ia kahi o ke kālā maoli" wehewehe ʻo Old Bastard, "Hana lākou nā mea ʻaelike i kahi ʻeke. ʻO ka mea maikaʻi loa ʻaʻole mākou e hana hou ma hope o ka loaʻa ʻana iā lākou akā pono e uku mai kēlā poʻe kūʻai dumbfuck iā mākou. 15% o ka uku o na la a mau loa aku!”

ʻEono mahina ma hope mai ua aʻo ʻo Shithead i nā mea āpau e pili ana i ka hoʻopaʻa ʻana IT. Ua "hoʻonoho" ʻo ia i ka nui o nā mea hana a me 247SCRI Ltd (Ua kapa hou lākou ma hope o kēlā ʻoihana me ke kanaka make a me nā tigers) ke ʻohi nei ʻo ia i ʻelua mea nui i ka lā mai nā hua o kāna hana. Ua hoʻolimalima ʻo ia i kahi BMW a hoʻolei i kāna kālā i loko o nā pahu shit. Ua aʻo ʻo ia i ka hoʻopunipuni i nā mea kūʻai aku, e ʻohi i nā CV ma ka hoʻolaha ʻana i nā hana hoʻopunipuni, e hooponopono i ka poe noi, e hoʻohālikelike ʻo ia e "hōʻike" i kahi mea i lohe ʻole ʻia e pili ana iā ia a pehea e hoʻopau ai i ka hoʻohewa ʻana i kāna mau hana kānalua ma ka ʻōlelo ʻana., hiki ole, "ʻaʻohe pilikia o kekahi iā ia".

Ua aʻo pū ʻo ia i ka ʻōwili ʻana i kekahi o kāna kōmike i loko o kahi paipu a me ia, e kau i ke koena i kona ihu. No laila, ola ʻo Shithead paʻa i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo ʻo ia ka makana a ke Akua i ka ʻoihana IT. "Ua makemake wau iā ʻoe" haʻi ʻo ia i ka poʻe i hopu iā ia me ka hoʻohana ʻana i kā lākou CV., "a honi i kaʻu hoki no ka mea ʻaʻole loa ʻoe e loaʻa kahi hana ma kēia kūlanakauhale me kaʻu 'help".

Akā ʻaʻole ʻo Shithead he moron piha. Ua loaʻa iā ia kahi waiwai no 247SCRI a mālama ʻo Old Bastard i ka hapa nui nona iho.. Heluhelu ʻo ia i ka mea a ke kanaka e hana ai. “Kol!” Noʻonoʻo ʻo Shithead, “Hiki iaʻu ke hana i kēlā. E hoʻomaka ana ke kumukūʻai a inā e hoʻopau wau, ʻo lākou ka poʻe IT arseholes e nalowale. "

Ma hope o kekahi mau hola, ua kāʻili ʻo Shithead i ka waihona, hoʻopaʻa inoa i kāna hui hou (“Shithead-E-Web-Interglobal-Talent-Solutions”) a loaʻa iā ia kekahi mau mea hoʻolālā pūnaewele waho e kūkulu i kahi pūnaewele nona. "E hoʻohālikelike maoli ʻia" ʻōlelo ʻo ia iā lākou, no laila lākou e hoʻopiha ai me nā kiʻi kiʻi kiʻi o ka lani o ke kūlanakauhale a me ka poʻe-nana-koʻikoʻi-i-ka-hana.

Ma ke kakahiaka Poakahi e hana ana ʻo Shithead i ka papa inoa o nā mea kūʻai aku i ʻaihue. Ua ʻike ʻo ia i ka mea a kāna ʻoihana kahiko i koi ai no laila ua maʻalahi ka hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻana iā lākou. Kāhea ʻo ia i nā mea hana o nā mea noi mua e ʻimi no nā hana hiki iā ia ke hoʻolaha, e hoopau ana i kekahi mau oihana ma ka hana. "Ha" manaʻo ʻo ia, "ʻoi aku nā hana naʻu e hoʻopiha".

ʻEono mahina ma hope mai e ulu ana ka ʻoihana a haʻaheo loa ʻo Shithead iā ia iho. Hoʻololi ʻo ia i ka BMW no kahi Aston Martin, uku i ka mea kākau moʻolelo maʻalahi e kuke i nā puke a hoʻopiha i kahi keʻena lawelawe me kāna mau ʻōlelo ʻino.. Aʻo mai lākou mai kahi pro a lele wikiwiki ka poʻe avaricious i ka pūnana i nā ʻoihana hoʻomaka. Hoʻokahi miliona mau hui hou e pua.

No ke aloha o ke Akua e hoopau i keia hoino

Ke kolo nei ka ʻoihana ʻenehana UK me nā parasites e like me Shithead. Ke kala aku nei mākou i kā lākou ʻano weliweli ma ka manaʻo he poʻe kolohe kaʻawale; ʻo nā mea a mākou i hopu ʻole ʻia e ʻulaʻula, pono e hoʻomaʻemaʻe. I ka wā i ʻoi aku ai kaʻu papa inoa shitlist i hoʻokahi haneli mau kāʻei kua hoʻomaopopo wau ʻO ka hana ʻenehana he ʻoihana popopo loa. He ʻino maikaʻi loa ia o nā mea hoʻoikaika hewa, nā pale haʻahaʻa i ke komo ʻana a me nā hoʻoponopono liʻiliʻi me ka lawa ʻana o ke kālā e huki i kahi maʻi o nā kāne waena kolohe..

Ua pau wau me nā keʻena hoʻolimalima. 90% o ka'u hana (a 100% o ka hana a'u i makemake ai) hele mai ma ka ʻōlelo o ka waha akā ʻaneʻane pau koʻu ikaika ʻimi hana i pau i kēia mau berks. Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e pōloli (a leʻaleʻa paha i ka hoʻopunipuni ʻia a hoʻopunipuni ʻia) ʻAʻole kūpono lākou i ka hoʻonui ʻana i nā mea kaua.

Hele pololei kā lākou mau leka uila piha i ka ʻōpala. ʻO nā mea i koe pro-mānoanoa, no laila ʻaʻole pili nā ʻōlelo aʻo.

I nā mea hana - e noi i kāu limahana e kōkua i ka loaʻa ʻana o nā mea hoʻolimalima hou. Hāʻawi i kahi makana - lawa e loaʻa ai ko lākou manaʻo, e ʻōlelo i ka uku ʻelua pule. He emi loa ia ma mua o ke kumu kūʻai o Shithead. A maikaʻi nā mea hoʻoikaika a pau: ʻAʻohe mea e hoʻolimalima i ka naʻaupō inā pono lākou e hana pū me lākou a ʻo nā limahana hou me nā pilina pili i kāu hui e ʻoi aku ka nui o ka noho ʻana.. E kahaha ʻoe i ka maikaʻi o kēia.

I koʻu mau hoa hana IT - mai hāʻule i ka manaʻo he mea pono nā mea hoʻolimalima. Kāohi i kā lākou leka uila. Palaka ko lakou kelepona. E launa pū me nā hoa hana kahiko. E aʻo i ka pūnaewele. E hui pū i nā hui, papa a me nā papa leka uila no kāu kahua a e hoʻomanaʻo e kau ma luna o lākou ke hoʻāʻo nei e hoʻolimalima. I kēlā me kēia manawa e hoʻopiha ai ʻoe i kahi hana ma kāu ʻoihana pūnaewele e pōloli ana ka mea hoʻolimalima. E hoomanao, ʻo ka nui o ke kālā āu e omo ai mai loko mai o ke kaiaola recruitment, ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi o Shitheads hiki iā ia ke kākoʻo.

Inā pono ʻoe e hana me nā ʻelele, nīnau i nā mea a pau a lākou e ʻōlelo ai. ʻOiai maikaʻi paha lākou e hoʻomanaʻo ʻaʻole lākou i hoʻoikaika ʻia e hana ʻoiaʻiʻo. ʻAʻole lākou he hoaaloha. Loaʻa nā ʻōlelo hoʻohiki (a me ka wehewehe hana) ma ka palapala. E hōʻoia pololei me nā mea kūʻai aku inā ʻo lākou ka luna. Ma mua o kou kau inoa ʻana i kekahi mea e hoʻohālikelike i nā memo me ka mea kūʻai aku e ʻike i ke ʻano o ka uku o ka ʻelele; E hoʻopunipuni pinepine lākou iā ʻolua e ʻoki i kahi ʻoki nui. Ke hopu ʻoe i kekahi e hana hoʻopunipuni e hoʻolaha aku i mea e makaʻala ai kekahi. E kiʻi aku i ka mea kūʻai aku (kōkua kōkua: hele pololei i HR) e haʻi iā lākou i nā mea e hana nei. ʻO nā mea ʻē aʻe e pīhoihoi lākou i ke ʻano o ko lākou hōʻike ʻana. E noi i kekahi loea e heluhelu i kāu ʻaelike (ʻAʻole maopopo ka hapa nui o nā mea hoʻolimalima e pili ana i ke kānāwai aelike) a nīnau i kēlā me kēia ʻōlelo paʻakikī. E hele i waho inā hana lākou i nā kumu no ke kūkākūkā ʻole. Inā he ʻaelike ʻoe a i ka manawa hope loa lākou koi e ʻike i kāu ID (passport, laikini kalaiwa) hoole; ʻAʻohe o lākou kuleana.

ʻO ka mea nui - he iwi kuamoʻo. Ke hoʻāʻo kekahi ʻeke ʻeke e hoʻopau i kekahi, ʻaʻole ʻoe e ʻae iā ia e paheʻe. Mai ʻae i ka lehulehu o nā kānaka waena e ulu waiwai ma ka hoʻopau ʻana i kā mākou ʻoihana.

Mai hānai i ka holoholona.

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